I had some thoughts this morning that I thought would be good to blog about.  I was thinking over a conversation I had yesterday with one of my sisters.  This morning, I began to think more on the topic of restoration and forgiveness as a result of that conversation.

In the past I have posted about forgiveness.  I discussed how I have learned that forgiveness is a process not a switch.  Yes, you need to decide to forgive.  This initial decision can look like you are flipping a switch because you are choosing action, you are choosing to move in a different direction in a situation.  However, what you are truly deciding is to begin the process of forgiveness.  So, what is the process of forgiveness?  This is what I am seeing play out in my life.

I have learned that the Bible is full of teachings on forgiveness and restoration but what I didn’t realize, until recently, is that humble repentance must first come from the offender in order for the process of forgiveness and restoration to be complete.  I do believe that in order for me to heal and be in healthy relationship with God and others, I need to choose to begin the process of forgiveness.  This means I choose to admit and commit to God that I forgive my parents.  By doing this, my relationship with God can move forward no matter what happens with the relationship with my parents.  One is not dependent on the other as it was in the past because when we are children, we see God through our parents eyes.

The next step in the process would be for the offender to offer true repentance.  If humble or true repentance is not offered and the victim gives the gift of forgiveness (yes, forgiveness is a gift)  to the offender anyway, it is cheap grace.  What does true repentance look like?  The offender will offer apology along with taking full responsibility for the damage that he or she has caused the victim.  A simple, “I’m sorry” is not true repentance.  An offender demanding forgiveness from the victim is also not true repentance.  There needs to be an expression of sorrow from the offender both for what they did, their behavior, and for the damage that behavior caused the victim.  The victim can then offer forgiveness and the door to restoration can be opened and walked through.  As they both walk through this door, there has to constantly be an understanding that this is a process.  There will be times when the victim may hear or see something that will trigger a memory or may trigger a feeling to a memory which will then send the victim down the road of anger and grief.  If true repentance has not been offered by the offender then he/she will not be able to extend grace to the victim during these times.  Grace that has not been extended, halts the restoration process.

So, what I’ve learned in regards to my father (you probably knew I was going to go here) is that I have offered him cheap grace in the past.  I accepted his “I’m sorry for what I did to you” as true repentance when in actuality it is not.  Now I understand why when I have times that memories surface and I feel angry and hurt, my father has not understood this and demanded me to forgive him.  He’s not walking in true repentance.

I’ve used the words “offender” and “victim” because I wanted to make a clear distinction between the two people involved in an offense but this principal I am talking about can be applied to any offense or conflict that happens between two people, not only in the realm of abuse.  However, in the realm of abuse, this process will seem a bit more complicated and take longer to walk through.  There is nothing black and white about exactly what this process should look like but I do feel that by applying these principals I am gaining more clarity all the time.  I can give myself permission to feel anger even if I’ve told my father “I forgive you” because it does not mean that I haven’t forgiven him like my father has indicated.

So, what do I do since true repentance has not been offered?  I begin the 3 steps to the process of forgiveness: 1. Feeling the anger and hurt.; 2. Grieving the loss of relationship and the loss of nurturing and guidance I didn’t receive as a child.; 3.  Walk in peace and acceptance for the way the relationship is - surface, not close.  I choose to begin the process of forgiveness which began for me with getting angry with my father and my mother for what they did and the damage they caused.  I then felt intense sorrow for not being able to have a close relationship with them and for the love and nurturing I did not receive as a little girl.  I am now entering the third step which is accepting the fact that in order to complete the process of forgiveness and restoration it takes all three of us.  My parents have steps they need to take just as I have.  If they choose not to take those steps, the relationship will remain a surface or shallow relationship.

Realizing this has given me such clarity and freedom.  I don’t have to guess whether or not it is “right” for me to want to spend time with them.   I take it one family function at a time.  If I’m going through something in my healing process that is currently taking me through the anger stage, then I most likely will not attend a family function.  If I’m feeling whole and not necessarily dealing with intense emotions, then I most likely will attend a family function.  To me, this is more then ok because I know that I am moving forward even if it looks to others like I am standing still.

So here is what I choose to keep in the forefront of my mind:  Forgiveness and restoration is a process that can only be completed when the offender has offered and chooses to walk in true repentance.

Since I last posted I have received another card from my mom. It basically said she is praying for me daily. I also saw her at my nieces birthday party this past Saturday. It was very interesting. I took a seat next to my sister-in-law and my mother was sitting across the table from us. The three of us actually had some nice conversation. My mom asked me questions about general things in my life. I could see her really trying to be there for me. I could see her struggle as well, only because I used to be where she is at. In any case, I felt and still feel really good about the whole visit. I did not feel, in any way, that I could not be myself. I was very relaxed. I did struggle some with my negative internal dialogue. The difference this time was I recognized it and found it fairly easy to change it right there on the spot. I feel it made a huge difference. My father was sitting at the same table next to my mother. He is usually the social one but he didn’t say two words the whole time. He looked like he was pouting and was not comfortable.  I’m guessing it was because I did not hug him when I arrived. But, I identified it right away and kept it in proper perspective. It saddens me to see him that way but it is his choice. There is nothing for me to take responsibility for regarding that.

So, I feel that another layer of control and power the abuse has had on me all the years has been torn off, not just peeled back. Writing and sending that letter was one of the hardest things I have ever done but I do feel it played a major part in the forward progress I see right now. Logically, I don’t quite see it. I would have never thought that I needed to articulate the hurt to my mother in order for me to experience another layer of healing but in my heart, I know it was the right thing for me to do. I feel another level of freedom and it feels great!

I received a card this week from my mother. I can only assume she received my letter so I was quite surprised when I received the card. It was a really nice card. It was so relevant. It did make me cry as I read it and I realized that my Mom has a really hard time articulating her feelings and this was her attempt at it. So, I decided to give her a call. I got her voicemail and left a message thanking her for the card and letting her know that I would love to sit down and chat with her. That was Monday or Tuesday of this past week. Today is Sunday and I have not received a return phone call yet.

I’m trying to be patient and not get angry. My first response tends to be if she knows our relationship needs work why isn’t she calling me. But, that would be a healthy response. I have to remember to accept things for what they are. If she calls me and is able to talk with me then that’s a bonus. Otherwise, the relationship stays the way it is. I didn’t send the letter to change the relationship. It was something I needed to do to deal with the anger. That has to remain my focus.

God is so faithful when I bring all of this too Him. He shows me my heart each and every time and helps me to keep it all in perspective. I’m so thankful for the emotional work I’ve been able to accomplish which has helped me to come to a place where I can hear His voice so much clearer. I know I would not be where I am today in my healing without Him! I praise Him for that today!

The letter to my mother is in the mail!  I still feel a level of relief.  I do wonder what response this might trigger from my mother but I feel I’m ready for this next step.  I’ve prayed so much about this and read this letter over so many times that I can almost recite it from memory.  This is not an easy step by any means.  No matter what the response I do feel it is a necessary step in my healing.

Some friends have disagreed or more accurately do not see the need for me to send this letter to my mother.  I get that.  I think unless they’ve walked exactly where I’ve walked, they can’t fully understand and know what each step of my healing should look like.  This letter completely articulates the pain I have suffered.  Unless this pain is acknowledged by my mother, healing can not take place in our relationship.  I feel this is the healthy step that is vital to our restoration.

There have been many friends who have been very supportive of my sending this letter.  They feel it is very powerful and may even cause a stirring in my mother.  As I said, no matter the result, I know that I need to do this.  It has been amazing to get this anger out and be able to put it into words and now be able to say, “Here Mom, this is what I’ve been trying to say to you for years.” Now, I’ll just wait to see what the future holds.

Wow! I just returned from my meeting with my counselor. I let her read the letter to my mother. She found it to be very powerful. She was very happy about me getting to this place of being able to articulate this anger. After discussing this with her I have decided I am going to send the letter. She was very good about letting me know how this was completely my decision and she supported me whether I sent it or not. I completely understand that. I just feel like this is a step I need to take. It helps me on so many levels. It helps me to stand up for myself and to voice those things that I was never able to before. I clearly see how this is not about my mother but it is about me. Sending this letter is a step in freeing myself of the judgment and shame I place on myself for feeling the way I do. That has to stop.

I’d like to share just a paragraph of the letter: “So, what exactly am I angry about? I’m angry I didn’t have a mom who protected me against a father who molested me, who supported a man who hit me in anger and continued to hit until he felt I “submitted”. I’m angry at not having a mom, who still to this day, cannot verify nor confirm my pain. A mom who continues to make excuses for my fathers abusive behaviour and her own abusive behaviour towards me. What really strikes this nerve and goes to the depth of this pain is when I hear comments from you that I was rebellious and was very stubborn and that is why I made the decisions I did when I was a teenager. Wow! Really? It hurts that you cannot see the connection between those choices and the abuse. Yes, I take full responsibility for actually making those choices. I do not take responsibility for the pain I was suffering which led me to make those choices. God created me with the desire to be “Daddy’s little girl, Daddy’s little princess”. He created me to feel special, to feel like no matter what happens, daddy is going to be there to protect me. That is a responsibility he gives to all fathers. I never had that. God created me with a desire to feel nurtured by you; again, to feel special, like I was more important then cleaning the house or talking on the phone. God created me with a desire to be protected by you. I expected you to step in when you felt Dad was spanking us too long and too hard. I expected you to step in when dad starting throwing punches at George. That was your job, Mom. I expected you not to ignore when you wondered where dad was at night if not in the bedroom or in the living room with you. Where were you Mom?”

I’ve decided I’m going to wait a week or two before sending it. After all, Mother’s Day is on Sunday and I do feel on some level it would be cruel to send it so close to Mother’s Day and her birthday. I have opted not to send a Mother’s Day card nor a birthday card. For me, it would be condoning a surface relationship and we don’t even have that. This was a very hard decision but one I felt I needed to make.

I am feeling so relieved right now. I am feeling more like the chains of the past are falling off of me. It feels great!

So, this afternoon I go to meet with my counselor about the letter to my mother.  I’m hoping to gain more clarity on the whole thing.  I’ve been thinking about it a lot since I made the appointment and I think what I wish to feel the most is release.  I want to no longer feel tied to the strong emotions and hurt feelings of the abuse.  I still want to feel them, just now feel tied down by them.  Does that make sense?  Well, hopefully, after this afternoon, I will be able to articulate things better.  Until then…

So, I’ve begun writing the letter to my mother.  I’m still not sure if I will send it.  However, it has proven to be a very positive experience for me to write it.  I began writing the letter and it amazed me at how I was able to articulate what it is that I am angry about.  In same ways it sounds like a teenager to me but that’s probably where I am stuck emotionally in my relationship with my mother.  I certainly want to grow past that so I guess I’ll keep writing.

I don’t know that it’s appropriate for me to share the letter here right now.  I feel it’s too early.  This is exposing a very deep place in my heart.  I’m thankful for this exposure but at the same time apprehensive.  I’m thankful because there are still times, too often in my opinion, that I get angry and frustrated with my husband and my children.  I still feel that I’m not fully in control of my anger; like there is something else fueling it.  I feel the fuel just might be this anger with my mother.

Sometimes I wish there was a manual for all of this so you would know exactly what the next step would be to take.  It’s frustrating to me that I can’t see clearly what to do next with my parents and until I do, I choose to do nothing.  I don’t know if that is right either but I don’t know what else to do and I don’t want to spend all of my time and energy trying to figure it out which is how I feel right now.  I want to enjoy my husband and my children and my friends.  So, I’ll continue to work on the letter and see what else may come out.  Maybe that will be enough.

I’ve discovered today that I am still angry at my parents! Probably not a big surprise to those of you who read this blog but I have to say I was a bit caught off guard at the discovery. I believe I still struggle with the “switch” syndrome. What I mean is I have a revelation or gain some insight in an area during my healing process and then I “flip the switch” and that’s it. I’ve arrived on the other side.  I realize I have spoken quite plainly in past posts about healing being a process and it’s about peeling back the layers. I do believe that but, sometimes, I get stuck in old patterns of thinking and feeling.

So, why am I still angry? I don’t really know. I received a card in the mail this week from my mother. Just a “Thinking about you” kind of card. She didn’t really write a whole lot in the card, just that she hopes we are all doing well. I have to tell you I felt nothing, nada, zilch! I tried not to think much about it until I was reading another blog this morning. I related to this person’s story so well. That’s when it hit me. I didn’t feel anything from the card because I am still angry and I still have expectations of a healthy relationship with them so not only am I angry but also still resentfull.  I can’t be satisfied with a “surface” relationship.  I hate that.  I want to be ok with that but….I’m not.  I am striving to get there.  I’m finding it difficult and that’s another reason why I have the boundaries I do…letters or cards only.  If I were to try to have even a surface relationship with them right now I am pretty sure it would affect my moving forward in my healing.  I would start concentrating on how to best meet their needs and how to appropriately act and respond and have to let things “roll” off my back that I know I would have a hard time doing right now.  So, I move forward in my healing without even a surface relationship with my parents.

I’ve decided I am going to write a letter to my mom from my heart.  I don’t know right now if I will send it but I feel I need to write it.  I’ll let you know what happens…stay tuned!

I’m finding it very beneficial to listen to the voice deep inside.  I refer to it as my “gut” but I believe it is the Holy Spirit.  It’s that “thought” or feeling that you just can’t get away from and you may not know exactly why you feel it but you do.  I hear it loudest when I am in a quiet place with God.

I’m learning some very valuable lessons about leadership.  I still have more to learn but listening to my gut and finding the courage to act upon it has to be one of the hardest as well as valuable I am learning right now.  It’s not easy especially when it seems to go against what others are seeing and feeling.  However, God has placed me in this position and I need to be true to His calling.

It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to share in detail what I have been through in the last couple of weeks but I will tell you it has been a very emotionally draining process.  I can feel it physically.  It’s not over yet but I believe that I will have learned a whole lot and I pray that God will help me to stay in a humble and teachable place.

I can’t believe how much time has gone by since my last post. I apologize. A lot has been happening. Nothing major but enough to pull my attention else where.

So, I have a couple of different ideas swirling around in my head to write about but I’m having difficulty deciding on which to choose. Both are topics which will make me very vulnerable to you. Funny how that works and I don’t know that I will ever see most of you who read this blog. Well, here goes…

For the past several months I have been battling the idea of calling my doctor to make an appt. for an annual checkup. My last one was about 6 years ago. I know, I was way over due. I’m getting closer to 40 years old and know that things can suddenly appear and happen to our bodies just because we’re getting older. I was really feeling like I needed to make this appt. So, several months ago I decided it was time to call. However, each time I decided, “Today is the day I will make the appt.”, I would find some excuse not to call. Now, I realize we all have some level of resistance to making doctors appointments but it was getting to the point that I was feeling great anxiety over it. I decided it was time to process all of this with my counselor.

We discovered that these feelings were most likely happening because of my now being so connected to my emotions. She saw this as a very good thing. Me, not so much. I kind of liked that I could disconnect in the past to these types of appointments. She suggested that I make an initial appt. with my doctor to discuss these feelings with her and to let her know what I’ve been through over the last few years. She felt the doctor would be understanding. She also told me to remember that I am in control and at anytime can ask the doctor to stop and we’ll try another time. That felt very reassuring to me.

So, two weeks later (yes, it still took me time to gather up the courage), I called and made the appt. My counselor was right, my doctor was very understanding and gentle with me. I cried through the whole appointment and all we did was talk but my doctor was not bothered by it at all and was very understanding. I felt a little more safe after that and we decided to make the appointment.

Four weeks later (my doctor is very busy, that was the earliest she could get me in) I returned for the annual checkup. Now, I have to stop and tell you that the closer it got to my appointment the more anxiety I still felt. This may sound crazy to some of you but I was having a hard time convincing myself that it was ok for the doctor to give me this checkup. I was imagining the whole thing feeling like the abuse. I just tried to stay in the here and now and not let my imagination get in the way. The day came and I arrived at her office. She was great! She talked to me throughout the entire checkup and kept asking me if I was doing ok. I was feeling a little anxious but I was ok. After it was done she turned to type some notes in her laptop and that’s when all the emotional release came. I bawled like a baby. She came over and hugged me and told me how courageous I was and that I did something very good for myself today. She advised me to be kind to myself for the rest of the day and to call my counselor if I felt I needed to.

When I returned home after the appt. I didn’t feel like talking to anyone right away. After a while, I called a good friend of mine and told her that I did it! She encouraged me and I told her that it really feels so good to have accomplished this. It wasn’t pleasant but it felt nothing like the abuse and I now have more courage to keep up with my annual checkups.

I really am glad that I did it. It’s such a sense of accomplishment not only that I did something good for myself but by doing this, I took away a level of power the abuse had over me and that feels amazing!